There is poetry in knowing that every earthly minute is imbued with rightness—even when it doesn’t seem so.  This happened for me unexpectedly, though I now see how [...]]]> “Oh earth you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Does anyone ever really realize life while they live it…every, every minute?” Thornton Wilder

There is poetry in knowing that every earthly minute is imbued with rightness—even when it doesn’t seem so.  This happened for me unexpectedly, though I now see how I had been stumbling toward it for many years.  A friend and colleague died suddenly in an accident last fall. We had been emailing about getting together for lunch soon, and a week later I learned she was gone. At first it was shocking and very sad.  Yet as weeks passed, I kept thinking of the poignant line in Our Town, Thornton Wilder’s classic play about small town America in the early 20^th century, “Oh earth you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Does anyone ever really realize life while they live it…every, every minute?”  Said by the ghost of Emily, a recently departed young mother, as she witnesses an every day scene from her former mortal existence. Then the play’s stagehand answers her,  “No, saints and poets–maybe they do some.”  Suggesting this kind of realization is not for regular folk.  Somehow the loss of my friend seared this concept into my being—“realize your life every, every moment”, and dare to be one of those saints or poets.

Now, I can’t stop thinking that my deceased friend would give her right arm to have the challenges I face each moment of my earthly existence. Now in the kitchen when my 9 and 13 year old boys, begin to bicker over who gets to sit in a certain seat or when the older ones call the younger one an idiot and the younger lashes out and belts him, — I am grateful!  Before I would have felt angry, resentful,  and murmur to myself, “if only they were different, I could be at peace”.  It is different now, today I recognize this is the substance of family life, the brick and mortar that holds our human foundation together. There cannot be endless days of harmonious interactions.  That is not our human condition, we do not have the ability to control others.  The only thing we are entitled to is the sweetness and bitterness of our own existence, and only our perception of that sweet or bitter existence is what’s pliable.  Each and every moment of this imperfect human life, with all of it’s pushing and pulling, meeting and competing, loving and hating, is the substance of our lives.

What makes a person ready to seize every, every minute in all of it’s raw and awkward rightness? A dark night of the soul seems like the most likely path, because the dark night experience beats our egoic self will into submitting to our maker, making us ready to want freedom over all else. Suffering humbles us. We need to be purged before we are ready for an enduring union with the divine. Otherwise divinity appears too cheap to our grasping minds.  A breakdown in the key areas; health, relationship, money or career will force us to admit we don’t have a clue about how to properly conduct our lives.  Once we have the breakdown, admit we are clueless and powerless, we have a shot at something huge and beautiful that is endless and all enduring. Union with the divine rarely comes to those who have not released their faulty operating systems.  Union with the divine comes to those who are willing to be broken, to die unto their small selves.  Only then will we want freedom because we have nothing else to lose, and only then will we want freedom more than we want to keep controlling everything.

 Realize Your Life Every, Every Minute © 2010 Margo Davis-Hollander, is an unpublished work protected by copyright law in the United States.  It cannot be reproduced, copied, lent to other people without the written consent of Margo Davis-Hollander. To view other articles by Margo Davis-Hollander see her website: soulmateattraction.net.

Anxiety and depression can accompany a breakdown that we are not ready to admit to ourselves, this is classic denial. The denied breakdown can also make us irritable, angry, frustrated with everything outside of ourselves. We will project the problem on to our partner, our children, our job, our [...]]]> Dark Night of the Soul II

Anxiety and depression can accompany a breakdown that we are not ready to admit to ourselves, this is classic denial. The denied breakdown can also make us irritable, angry, frustrated with everything outside of ourselves. We will project the problem on to our partner, our children, our job, our friends our mother – no one will be able to do it right for you.  The denied breakdown is like a pregnancy that is months overdue, the tension caused by the non birthed breakdown can be intolerable.  In its extreme it is the pressure built up for centuries in a fault zone, explosive and damaging when released.

Once we surrender, admit we have no idea of how to manage our will and our emotional and spiritual life, we begin to feel the tension start to ease.  We can then begin to start from something clean, emptiness. If we have a program, like the 12 steps of AA or Alanon, or a spiritual or religious practice to utilize, we can begin to work with the practices of humility, surrender and union with the divine. While not precisely the same as a car breakdown, the steps we take are parallel.

The saints and mystics have always known about this distinct process we now call dark night of the soul. You don’t get close to God through convenience. Usually our suffering through the misguided application of our will to cure and control life is what brings us to our knees. Once we are down on the ground, we are surrendering where God can at last find us and reach into our soul and will. This is the moment of amazing grace.  Once you understand the process that the universe uses to bring us into alignment with its ways, you have the key to understanding much of life.

Perhaps many of our periods of depression are really a suppressed dark night of the soul. An outmoded operating system will keep us from going to where we truly are meant to. We will feel stuck, our flow of positive energy, ideas, love and prosperity will be congested.  The inertia and tension from not evolving as fast as our souls are calling us to, will crack the harmony of our daily life and the result will be crisis showing up in several domains.  The universe’s operating system is all about solutions and possibility, which is the opposite of how we feel amid a dark night of the soul, until we have realized its purpose, as parts of our life are crashing all around us.

Once we admit the breakdown,  and surrender to the soul’s call for a more deeply illumined mind, we will begin to recognize that our lives need to be completely changed in context.  The way we go about life will be different. The way we make decisions will be different, no longer impulsive or from fear of survival. The way we view other people will be with an understanding heart, the way we view ourselves will be with forgiveness.  The way we relate to our true source will be with sweet, open receptivity.  We will feel an overwhelming sense of wanting things to work well for everyone. We will be filled with good will and generosity.  Picture Ebenezer Scrooge on the morning after his harrowing visits with the three spirits; he is a new man filled with love, wisdom, perspective and overwhelming sense of generosity and the desire to do good for others.  The same with George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life after his wild adventures with the angel Clarence, his dark night of the soul gave him the gift of a renewed perspective on life.

The toughest part about dark nights of the soul is that we often do not know when we are in one, we may think there is just something wrong with us or with everyone else in our lives.

I now realize that there really are no problems. There is only the problem of our thinking about it. Every external problem is a fight with God, until we surrender to readjusting our operating system. In a condemning, fault finding, offense collecting operating system we will have many problems in many domains. In a source driven operating system, where we genuinely want things to work well for all beings all the time, and can know that everything is happening for us not to us–we have no problems. From a universal way of being we become a magnet for attracting all manner of ideas, support, nourishment, and supply for all that we want to do and become. As a universal being we are living in the image and likeness of God, or a god-divine-source like being. The dark night of the soul is the method the universe uses for showing us the fallacy of believing our problem are external and real. It comes to offer us an easier way-to partner with true power. True power can never leave you, true power is available 24/7. True power is always kind, humble and wise.

True power is your birth right.

Anytime we make a choice about who to relate to we are choosing a full well or a dry well. Sometimes relationships change as people age and what was once full becomes dry and can become full again in time. [...]]]> The Full and Dry Wells in Our Lives    Part III    From Desert to Oasis

Anytime we make a choice about who to relate to we are choosing a full well or a dry well. Sometimes relationships change as people age and what was once full becomes dry and can become full again in time. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were great friends initially, yet did not speak for decades after Jefferson strongly opposed Adams on many issues during Adams’ presidency. After both men were retired and in their older age Jefferson admitted his wrongs to Adams and the two corresponded for over a decade until they both died on the very same day in 1826.

Start to pay closer attention and you can spot dry or full wells everywhere, and it is essential that you do. They can be your hairdresser, your doctor, your child’s teacher, your old friend with whom it just doesn’t work with anymore, your realtor, insurance agent or banker. I even noticed that my car was starting to feel like a drain, a dry well situation-continually needing to be serviced. Again, when there is the presence of struggle that is a sign it may be a dry well situation.

Focus in this way and you will start to observe where there is a more generative flow with certain people and situations. These are individuals, groups and organizations where you feel good, at ease, relaxed, purposeful and appreciated. A concern or grievance will be simple to resolve. Notice when things feel easy and enjoyable. We have a dry erase board in our living room where each family member can write about what is in the flow and flowing for them each day. This is to help each family member hone in on what it means to be in the flow and flowing to facilitate more full well experiences. The generative people and places and activities will add zest to our life and our mission. It can be helpful to note these signs.

There are people in our lives that we are somewhat stuck with because of various circumstances, who are very dry wells for us. They may be extended family members, colleagues, employers and others. In these relationships we can become better at defining boundaries with those who have a negative effect on us. We can reduce our exposure to them, as well as the frequency of interactions. We can practice detachment from the effects of their behavior. We can choose serenity over reacting to each offense. Sometimes we need to be prepared to leave a situation to preserve our well being. I recently had to lay down very clear boundaries with a bone-dry well relative who had planned to visit me at a time when I knew it could be a trial for me to endure their subtle but steady stream of criticism and judgment. I was able to do it with love and absolute firmness for the first time. This changed the trajectory of this relationship for me. I no longer feel powerless in regard to their harmful behaviors. In general, as you correct each dry well situation that is out of alignment, you will feel lighter, more buoyant, and more empowered to create what you desire to have in your life.

What about the dry well person that will throw us a bone every now and then to keep us interested? Beware. This is very common, most of us want to be liked and some are serious people pleasers, this is a form of co-dependence, or trying to get emotionally fed from external sources. People who are codependent will tend not to offer much nourishment because they are not full inside, a dead giveaway for a dry well. By carefully assessing how you feel when in relation to this person you can begin to tell yourself the truth about their relevance in your life. With awareness, the bones they throw you can be seen for what they are, a bribe for your continued undue loyalty.

I tell my soulmate attraction clients to get a legal pad and list as many dates as they can remember with their last partner to see where they felt uncomfortable and did not say it. Often when we are with a dry well person we will have an instinct for their capacity to meet our needs. We know how much they will give us, and we pretend to ourself that it is enough for us. We don’t risk asking for our need to be met because we fear they will decline our request and that will be a rejection. Instead we withhold speaking our request, then it sits there as an unmet expectation creating resentments that further poison the dynamic. If you had felt comfortable enough to ask, you would not have been in a dry well situation.

Only full well relationships make us comfortable enough to ask for our needs to be met. Since you were uncomfortable about asking you already had the knowledge that your need would not likely be met. I always advocate for my clients to request, request and request again, as a way of finding out what a potential suitor is made of. If they respond well you probably are dealing with a full well. However, when your unspoken requests create stress with this person, it is not your fault. You just went to the wrong well to fill that water bucket. If you had felt safe to make the request you would have made it easily.

Often we blame ourselves when things go sour, thinking “our needs were too much”, but usually that is not the case, it is just that we are with a dry well person that will never be a fit. A full well person will offer all you need effortlessly and you will see that your needs are just fine. As long as your need is reasonable it deserves to be met. It is healthy for you to broaden your definition of reasonable. You can do this legal pad exercise with any person or group where you do not feel right.

Whether you are wishing to attract your soulmate or just wanting to feel more empowered in your life, practicing full well living will energize and attract the good things that you desire to be in your life because you are coming from a place of having what you want and feeling in the flow with the way of things, or the universe.

When we reduce the dry well load in our lives, it is like getting an injection of spiritual vitamins. We get lighter and happier and we open ourselves up for so much more energy to live as a more fully self-expressed version of ourselves. None of us have the luxury of tolerating any more dry wells when our happiness and our ability to give our gift in the world is compromised by them. The dry well people will keep you anemic about getting your own needs met, and thus you will not have much to give others-so your entire cycle of giving and receiving will be thwarted from it’s rightful purpose: which is to give and receive fully, easily and joyfully.

Begin to reduce the drag of the dry wells by identifying them. When is it clear-cut like changing your hairstylist or finding a new doctor you can just do that. With family and personal relationships you will have to set up new parameters and guidelines that honor your ability to stay in the flow of full wellness, connected to your source while you are relating to them. In your daily routines, notice the stores that make you feel good to be in them, pay attention to the service people you hire to help you-see how they all make you feel. It can be awkward to leave some dry wells, the loss off old footing or foundation change can feel almost like a divorce or death of a loved one. The more you can reinforce a sense of satisfaction and flow in your life, the more of it you will draw to you. Full wells are plentiful and will be easily discovered once we set an intention to discover them. You don’t have to settle for any more dry wells in any area of your life. This is a very liberating process. With that, I wish you many full wells of satisfaction.

The Full And Dry Wells In Our Lives © 2010 Margo Davis-Hollander, is an unpublished work protected by copyright law in the United States. It cannot be reproduced, copied, lent to other people without the written consent of Margo Davis-Hollander.

The dry wells beckon and tempt us with tendrils and hooks that draw us in by activating our yearning to finally heal our relationship with our emotionally unavailable parents. It is not an uncommon to attempt to fix relationships that are not [...]]]> Full and Dry Wells in Our Lives Part II Child of Origin Theory

The dry wells beckon and tempt us with tendrils and hooks that draw us in by activating our yearning to finally heal our relationship with our emotionally unavailable parents. It is not an uncommon to attempt to fix relationships that are not fixable, because they have similar lacks and limitations that we experienced as children. This pattern will drive us, until we recognize those destructive results. Once we can discern between a full and dry well relationship we are on the road to satisfaction again. The dry well people can never provide sustenance for us and will suck all the buoyancy from our vibrational vortex of love and possibility. Nor will being with them heal our family of origin issues. Still many people are addicted to visiting the dry wells over and over to get water and wonder why they are left thirsty, heartbroken and disappointed again and again. We all know how painful it is to be working hard at something with little or mixed reward. The dry well pattern can have a debilitating effect on our self esteem. It is easy to blame ourselves for things not working with a dry well situation and be perplexed by feelings of shame, where we feel defective in some way, or guilt, thinking “If I only did it differently”.

Full well people are a horse of a different color. They see us, love us, don't tend to have the vampire effect at all, just the opposite, they provide nourishment as well as soul food to our present and potential selves and possibilities. With them in our lives we can endure challenges and do just about anything.

The impact of learning to spot and not spend time with the dry well groups and individuals who will resist you, and drain your life force is profound. More satisfying, is learning to recognize and spend time with the groups and individuals who are for you. Both acts will have a major impact on your personal power and happiness. The power comes from the ability to define the dry and full wells in your life and then to act on your own behalf.”

The dry well causes leaking

A woman with lots of dry well situations in her life will be leaking out her power as well as her capacity to give her gift. She will not be able to give her gift because she will have become a case, rather than a gift. This can happen to the best of us, it recently happened to me. As a case we can be minimally effective, because we are plagued by shame, guilt and self blame. If you are depressed, discouraged or frustrated it is likely that there are some dry wells in your life that need to be addressed. Not feeling good and in the flow of possibility is a sign we are leaking our power to a dry well relationship or even a dry well belief that is self-limiting.

The desert

I recently emerged from a journey into the arid land of many dry wells and can talk about it. Pain had sensitized me enough to finally see how I was allowing this pattern to deplete me. Although my intuition told me “no, this will not work out”, I was arrogantly thinking I could handle any challenging situation with my love-that I’d be that powerful. I actually thought I did not have a choice to be in relationship to them, that I had to tough it out, to fix it.  The presence of “toughing it out” is a sure sign of a dry well situation for you. “Toughing it out” equals struggle.

We can create a miracle of forgiveness with enough humility and courage by transforming an ancient hurt into a place of and love. This concept comes from The Course in Miracles and it is the course’s definition of a miracle. I could forgive the parties involved, but I had to first get myself out of harms way. The more compassionate and concious we are in completing any relationship the better, since we bring that energy to our new endeavors. However we have to protect ourselves first, as Buddhist meditation teacher, Stephen Levine has said, “You can put them out of your home, but don’t put them out of your heart”. This is because putting them out of your heart will hurt your heart and you want to keep your heart vibrant. However, you must create the space you need to cease allowing them to hurt you. Then you can work with forgiveness to free your heart.

The Full And Dry Wells In Our Lives © 2010 Margo Davis-Hollander, is an unpublished work protected by copyright law in the United States. It cannot be reproduced, copied, lent to other people without the written consent of Margo Davis-Hollander.

The Full And Dry Wells In Our Lives         Defining the full and dry wells in our lives

“You cannot draw water from a dry well, for never will your thirst be abated from dust”

The metaphor of a [...]]]> the first in a series about  recognizing how we nourish or starve ourselves through relationship

The Full And Dry Wells In Our Lives         Defining the full and dry wells in our lives

“You cannot draw water from a dry well, for never will your thirst be abated from dust”

The metaphor of a full well that yields an abundant supply of the water or life nourishment for each of us, is in stark contrast to the symbolic dry well which will never quench your thirst or nourish you. This vivid image is meant to illustrate the impact of the full and dry well kinds of individuals, groups and organizations and how they will affect your sense of deserving, your ability to have your needs and desires met in a reciprocal fashion.

The full wells in our lives are the people, groups and organizations that make us we feel good when we are with them, things flow easily with them. They see who we are, like us, and more or less understand us. Byron Katie cautions that we cannot expect anyone else really understand us, even our best friend or partner. I agree, however the full well people in our lives will at least try to understand us because they care enough to.

The dry wells in our lives are the people, groups and organizations that do not see who we are, nor do they seem to like us enough to try to understand us. Our relationship with them will tend to confound us with complexity and it will require much work to maintain it. In short the dry well people are toxic to our emotional and soul life. Curiously, they may not be toxic for other people, however they are dry wells for you. For you they will not yield water or sustainable nourishment.

The dry wells keep us stuck in a rut of dissatisfaction, continually thirsty, we become like a hamster on a wheel, chasing after a bit of cheese but never getting to eat it. Oddly, the few crumbs we get, somehow make us try harder to get more from those dry wells. We become so accustomed to not having our needs met that we don’t even realize we have become resigned to dissatisfaction.

The purpose of the dry well

The dry wells in our lives provide clarity, a brief experience of contrast showing what we do not want so as to redirect us to full wells. The goal is not to camp out with these dry well people and situations. We can obtain the lesson in contrast and quickly move on. I used to call this the “bad boy/girlfriend syndrome”. The “bad boy/girlfriend” is not necessarily a bad person, but they are a bad person for you-because they cannot see and appreciate you sufficiently since they lack the capacities you need in a boy/girlfriend. A good boy/girlfriend for you, will delight in meeting your needs without drama. This is true for all other relationships. Full wells delight in giving to us, there will be reciprocity. Dry wells do not ever lead to reciprocity.

We will be dry wells for others too. The point is not to get too hung up on why they are dry for you or you for them, but simply to move on to full wells quickly so as to get more experience with receiving, not just yearning.

The Full And Dry Wells In Our Lives © 2010 Margo Davis-Hollander, is an unpublished work protected by copyright law in the United States. It cannot be reproduced, copied, lent to other people without the written consent of Margo Davis-Hollander.